I havenít been able to get a decent nightís sleep for a couple months now. I have this recurring nightmare where Iím in Hell. Iím being flayed alive by these demons wearing navy blue suits. Then I hear trumpets and choirs singing. Everything turns bright gold and this tall skinny angel who looks like Obama picks me up. He heals me and flies me out of Hell up into the bright sky. Then he sets me down on a fluffy cloud and thereís nothing but smiling happy people all around me. He pats me on my head, flutters off and I feel at peace. Thatís when the cloud exposes a trap door and Iím falling, falling, falling...
--Catch Me Iím Falling
Dear Catch Me,
What you are experiencing is subconscious paranoia. Itís a common reaction after being frequently lied to by politicians. You put your vote and your waking trust in a man who plays a good political game. Experience and TV has taught you that these people will take back everything they promised, cost you more money, put you out of a job, send your children to die by car bombs and friendly fire, feed poison to your dog, pee on your rug, etc. So, itís hard for you to expect anything different and you develop paranoid dreams. Well, Iíd like to put your mind at peace. You have indeed chosen an honest politician who will work really hard to make everything better. He may not deliver everything he promised in the next four years, but I bet eight will make it all work. So, donít have any more bad dreams. The fluffy happy cloud world is here to stay. Cross your fingers,
Thanks so much for the support this year. I know you are notorious for double dealing and not completing your promises. And I just figured that it really was impossible to get America to elect a black president. I just figured it was worth the cost of my eternal soul to even get close. But, you delivered the goods! Thanks again.
In your debt, Barack
Oh shit! I really hope this is a joke
If you want to talk to God, see a psychiatrist, or email: firstname.lastname@example.org. To speak with the dark lord Lucifer, drink a bottle of Everclear, or email: email@example.com.